I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
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