Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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