Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
