she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
