I wish I could teleport
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
