Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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