chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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