He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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