i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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