I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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