I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
