we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize