please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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