PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
