What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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