Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
ok first of all what the fuck
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
