I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
