Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize