I hate your face
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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