i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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