I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
