yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Randomize
