so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
