haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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