Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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