She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Can you bring me the toilet please
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
