More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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