Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
