Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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