so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Randomize
