I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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