Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Operation Purity has been aborted
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
