My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
