dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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