Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
