There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
