don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
