I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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