Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
