i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
