hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
