I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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