just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
