Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize