my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
