I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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