dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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