just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
