I cannot find my penis.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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