My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
