god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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