Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
