my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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