hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize