The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
