1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
