I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
